The What ifs of Life

My Dad said it best once. “The ifs can kill ya kid.” What the heck does that mean you ask? We all travel down the road of asking meaningful questions about our lives, call it a mid life crisis, call it self reflection, call it becoming self obsessed. The bottom line is as we get older, we all, at one point or another wonder what if I would have…
Recently I had coffee with a great friend only to learn that she too has said, “what if…” She asked me a tough question which sparked this blog. She asked, “Do you have any regrets about your life?” I didn’t even flinch when I responded, “Yes, I am human.” She continued to tell me her struggles and without revealing our conversation it was as if she opened my head and spilled it out onto the table. I am happy to reveal my thoughts on the subject.
Most of my friends are in the same age group. We all range in our mid to late thirties to forty’s. I think part of the reason we travel down the “what if” road is that we are getting older. We have kids; we all have been married for longer than ten years. We start to question our meaning in all of the carpools, sporting events for our kids, the financial sacrifices with raising families. The question of the day is, is it all worth it?
My friend and I both share one other thing in common on this subject. We have both given up careers and dreams to stay at home and raise our kids. In today’s world most moms’ now work. We are in a minority here. Like my friend, I ask myself what the heck I have to show for myself. I am college educated and worked for eight years before my son was born. I was just getting started when my husband and I decided day care wasn’t the way we wanted our son to grow up. This debate can be seen on any daytime talk show; stay at home mother’s versus working moms, but that is not the main idea of this article.
After my coffee date I started to think about what I’d be doing if I hadn’t been a hopeless romantic and married my husband. Instantly I envisioned myself as a famous writer living in Chicago or maybe Manhattan. I could see my large apartment, decorated perfectly, overlooking the city. I dreamed of a walk in closet as large as my current bedroom filled with Prada shoes and designer suits all color coded. I saw myself being picked up each day by a Town-car and driving to my high rise office only to dine at the finest restaurants during my lunch hour. After my fabulous lunch my Town-car would drop me off at Harpo Studios where I would have a one on one interview with Oprah regarding my new best seller. During this day-dream I almost crashed into a car ahead of me, but that’s another blog.
Last week I turned forty four. During a celebratory drink with my husband and brother- in- law another question was thrown at me. “What would you be doing if you weren’t married to my brother?” asked my brother- in- law. I told him my latest daydream about being a writer in Chicago. “Yes,” he answered. “But you’d be so lonely.” Perhaps, but I still couldn’t quite let go of the bedroom sized closet full of goodies.
This week I had an epiphany all related to the “what ifs.” I was teaching an Intense Speech and Learning Kindergarten class. One of kids was severely disabled. She had the mentality of a three year old but was placed with five to six year olds in the program. While she was delayed and had a learning problem I couldn’t help but think that her life at home was probably not what my own kids had experienced. I don’t know for sure but I suspect after working with kids that there was very little interaction with her parents at home. I suspected that no one had worked with her at all. While I was busy teaching my kids their alphabet and numbers before kindergarten I felt that no one had even attempted to do these basics with her. Her clothes were dirty and she spit at the class to get attention. She clearly had some learning disabilities and just because someone is dirty doesn’t mean their parents don’t take care of them, but still call it instinct.
On a personal level I know about learning disabilities because my own son was delayed with speech and needed services for that as well as occupational therapy as he couldn’t write his ABCs. The difference between my own son and this little girl seemed obvious to me. Although my son was also developmentally delayed, the one noticeable difference was that he could do basic things for himself that I had taught him. He had instruction at home on how to pick up his toys and how to tie his shoes, basic responsibilities that I had demanded from him at home. I felt that this little girl had no structure at home and had not been held accountable for anything including tantrums; it was as if her parents just wanted the school do everything. Again just an opinion, call it an instinct because I didn’t have access to her file as a substitute teacher.
The epiphany was that I realized the importance of the role I had with my own kids as their mother. I was able to teach them things at home and hold them accountable for their actions. I truly believe that the connection between home and school is vital for my kid’s education. I’ve seen first hand as a substitute teacher what the kids that don’t have a good home life can be like. I realized my value again as a person who had given up a career and decided my family was important. I realized that yes it has really all been worth it! This is not a put down by any means on any woman who works and raises a family because I am in fact that woman now; at least part time. This is just a realization that I personally made the right decision years ago.
The bottom line is that no matter what path life takes you we all question and that is okay. I only hope that like myself when you get to the answer you can smile. Ironically enough my husband works for MetLife. Do you know what their slogan is? Buy MetLife for the “Ifs” in Life. I guess we really are meant to be.